Eoghan: Well, well, well if it isn’t the wee little SnottyBum…
Snodgrass: The name is Snodgrass, Dr. Snodgrass, the director of the Edinburgh Castle Museum and foremost expert on all things Scottish.
Eoghan: Are you now? What I see is a twig of a man with a giant bristly mustache.
Fionna: I think I’ll take him to the loo hold him by the feet and use his head to clean out the toilet.
Fearghas: Fearchar, hold him down. I’ll use my axe to shave him. That way we’ll know when he is lying, cuz we’ll be able to see his lips moving.
Snodgrass: I was told this interview was about my recipe for Arbroath Smokies! I will not stand for this type of abuse, I’ll be taking my leave now.
Eoghan: You’ll sit down and answer our questions or you will be leaving this room chopped and minced.
Snodgrass: You would not dare, I have come under the Faerie Queene’s protection.
Eoghan: As the foremost expert on all things Scottish, you should well know our history. There are few things beyond the scope of what we dare.
Snodgrass: Ask your questions, brutes. I will outwit you again, as I did in the park.
Eoghan: Aye, that was a crafty maneuver. However, the day is long, and the real winner is the one that is still breathing at he end.
Fionna: Enough with friendly banter. Let’s suss out how he discovered our secrets so we can deal with the loose lipped rats.
Eoghan: How did you know we had the Stone of Destiny?
Snodgrass: As the director of the museum I had ready access to the simulacrum you had substituted for the real Stone of Scone. I had my doubts the first time I saw it. That is why I began my research. I wasn’t certain that you possessed the original. But I was certain that every time I came to a dead end your names were involved. My real breakthrough came when I met Calum McCloud.
Fearchar: The insane and malicious spirit that haunts the links of The Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews? He has ruined many a fine score on that course with his capricious humor.
Snodgrass: Yes he protects the integrity of the game with a fierce pride. But he is also jealous and greedy, if you know the right offerings to make he will share many secrets that he has uncovered over the centuries of eavesdropping.
Eoghan: And how did a mortal man like yourself gain an audience with this mischievous and rancorous ghost?
Snodgrass: As a man of science I have learned to observe and to follow the basic rule. Once you have eliminated the possible, if the impossible is all that remains then that is your answer.
Eoghan: What was it that you observed.
Snodgrass: Naturally, being an expert on all things Scottish, I am an adept golfer. But my scores on St. Andrews were far outside of my statistical mean. I couldn’t break a hundred even though I had played the course dozens of times. It seems that Calum McCloud had taken a strong dislike to me and bedeviled me on the links.
Fionna: So you blame your poor golfing on the ghost of St. Andrews and not your lack of skill?
Snodgrass: It is not just me. Ask anyone who has ever played there. You could feel his malevolent breath on the back of your neck as you stepped up the tee. You can watch as your short game takes inexplicable bounces into the bunker, or when your fine touch at putting abandons you and the ball rolls up short or goes wildly past the hole.
Fearchar: It’s true. He is diabolical.